A Dog Named Sex

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call
mine "Sex".
Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day
I took
Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police
officer came
along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I was looking for Sex." My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I
wanted, I told him
I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said
"But this is a dog,"
he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand.
I've had Sex since I was two years old."

He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at
the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big
part in my life and
my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in
a church.
I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next
day we were
married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into
the motel I told
the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for
Sex. The clerk said that
every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex
keeps me awake at night",
and the clerk said,"Me too."

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him
it was a contest, and he
told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I
said, "Your Honor, I
had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble
with that dog than I ever
gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the
psychiatrist and she asked me,
"What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend
and it's so lonely."

The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best
friend.
Why not get yourself a dog?"

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A Fishy Story

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."
The man said, "But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."
The sister said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at the
Gauddam Fish I caught."
Shocked, the Mother Superior said, "Sister, you know better than that."

The nun said, "That's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior said,
"Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister caught."

Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t talk like
that!"

Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --- a Gauddam Fish."
Monsignor said,
"Well give me the Gauddam Fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow,
what a nice fish."
In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I caught the Gauddam Fish."
And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the Gauddam Fish."
And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS FU*KING PLACE ALREADY!"


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Picking Personal Hell

A man died and went to hell. Upon arrival he met with the CDIC (Chief Devil in
Charge).

Devil: We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick your own
personal hell.
Man: That's not so bad, whatcha got?

Devil: Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside, assess the
situation and
then tell me if that's where you want to spend eternity.
Man: OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people standing on their
heads on a hardwood floor.
Man: Ouch, that seems painful. It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only on concrete
floors.
Man: That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people standing knee
deep in shit drinking coffee.
Man: Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink coffee all day.
I'll take this one.
Devil: Are you sure this is the one you want?
Man: Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door. As soon as the
door closes,
a whistle blows and a loud speaker says - "Alright, coffee break is over, back
on your heads!"

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True Blonde

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"

She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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Hanging

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men...

All of the men started clapping.

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The Perfect Pet

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.

The owner says, "How about a dog?"

The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog can't do everything!"

The owner says, "How about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor has been waxed.

He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the door.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"

The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! Just putting on my shoes!"

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The Convertible


One day, two blondes went shopping at the mall. When they were done they went outside to their car, which happens to be an awesome leather interior convertible. When they get to the car, they realize they had locked the keys inside. So they both kind of stand there and think for a while. Then one has the idea to try to open the car with a hanger. So the first blonde starts fiddling with the lock with the hanger. The other blonde looks up at the sky and suddenly becomes very worried.

"HURRY, HURRY," she urges. "IT'S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!"

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That's Strange!

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"

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Smart Teacher

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up," said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" inquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

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Paint Job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the . "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."